Drive Slow!

Lookin’ at the life through my rearview, all the problems I had
Could be seen alot clearer after time had passed
Known for livin’ so fast, they wonder how he don’t crash
With 220 on the dash, he constantly mashin’
(Why don’t he slow down?) They be constantly askin’
But me in the fast lane is like metal and magnets
Now I ain’t tryna say that it’s the way of the masses
But it, so hard to change, I love this shit with a passion
Since me and Sigel cuttin’ classes, showin’ our ass
Shootin’ out in broad day in the middle of traffic
I remember sellin’ crack faster than I could bag it
A shame I ain’t playin’ with you shorty, I ain’t braggin’
Me and Cap got life, some other folk got blasted
Had a partner OD’d and after this all happened
It’s like the only thing that kept a pimp from cryin’ and laughin’
And the Lord smiled on me at the end of the madness
I never thought that I’d make it this far rappin’
For introducin’ the youth to what we now call trappin’
Considered now a classic, who’da imagined?
Me in Milano, gettin’ models in next year’s fashions
So nowadays, they can call me old fashioned
But it’s way too much cash to see blue lights flashin’
So I guess the moral of this here class is
Life about who make it now not about who make it the fastest

T.I.—-Drive Slow

Nostalgia

I find myself nostalgic when I see her in an old picture from the party I was first introduced to her, and I find my eyes tearing looking at pictures of her engagement on Facebook. It is not like I still care for her, or even have the slightest shred of feeling left for her, no that is not the case. 

I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself that I cared for her once, or for being so stupid not to realize what was my relationship with her all about. How could I be such a terrible judge of character? 

From what I hear from common friends, she’s a completely different person now, she’s playing the good Muslim girl role, she even told  a girl in our group that she was never kissed a guy, not to mentione being touched in any “haram” way by a guy! Well, those are big fat lies and the lips she uses for talking lips are witnesses to her lies!

Anyways, what is funny is that at around this time last year, she had broken up with me for that first time, I was going to Alexandria for easter holiday. I spent some nice time fishing and what not, but she wanted to come back, and I was prepared to get over her and move on. I tried to gain some points with that, stalled and played hardball like—I thought It would hurt to take her back as long as I don’t have other options, so I did. I can’t say that was a completely wrong decsion, I mean, I did have some awesome times with her afterwards, and it was worth it.

I want a convertible

 

Now this is a nice car, and cheap too. I would love to own a convertible at some point in my life, dunno when or how, maybe when the Egyptian Government removes the ridiculous customs & taxes they have on cars. Word is these customs are to be out by the year 2016.

Boredom

Bordem, bordem and more boredom. Now that I m trying to be an athelete, I can’t smoke ciggerettes nor hash. It is weird how much does a man in this day n age needs smoke. You inhale it, you feel you’re inhaling the world, you exhale it, you feel your letting all your problems & complications out. Well, its not exactly as spritiual, but it definelty helps.

I am…..

I am 22 years old, haven’t achieved anything I could be proud of, “yet”. I am skinny, I am self conscious. I am moody, generally hating my life & life in general. I can’t stand most people but prefer being around them. I do not know what I want and am not trying very hard to figure it out. I want to do a master in Economics, just because I have an opportunity to do it for free. 

My body weakens as my mind gets stronger. I could survive more than most people without food. I take pride in being smart, yet I am not as confident in my intelligence. It is a shame, I can perform but can’t present my performance properly.

I am 22 years old and the past 8 have been the worse. For the past 4 years I have been walking roads I don’t want to walk, yet, I do not know which roads I want to walk. 

I am confused, my best answer is “I don’t know” followed by “lets wait & think” and “whatever”. 

However, I have decided to do something….I am committed to changing my appearance. I am taking up the great sport of River Rowing. Practice starts at 6 a.m. everyday, I plan to do it before work which starts at 9:00. I know I’d be killing my social life and I know it would be a complete torture for the first couple of weeks. I know. I am debating the issue in my mind, and frankly, I am chickening/lazying and leaning towards not doing it. 

But, hell, I’m gonna do it. I just have to. I know that if I don’t, I’m gonna spend the rest of my life regretting it & wondering, what if i did it?

I am gonna do it. Tomorow I ll get a doctor’s note that my heart is in a condition that enables me to play sports. And I’m gonna try it out. 

Athletic people in general and Coaches in particular irritate/scare me. I don’t know why, but it has always been like that. I guess it is because I never really felt confident in my physical abilities. Is this going to change, I hope so. It all depends on the training environment it is going to be. I hope it is not too intimidating.

Anyways, I am who I am, and fuck u small chickens.

فراغ, ملل, وأشياء أخري

أشعر بفراغ قاتل. مرة أخري اقف عاجزا أمام حياة لا أدري الهدف منها. لا أدري حتي ماذا أريد. أشعر بالملل ولكن لا شيئ يسليني. لا شيئ علي الإطلاق. أحقد علي المخلوقات التي تجد السعادة في أبسط الاشياء. ياليتني كنت طفلا, إبتسامتي سهلة, صادقة ومستمرة. أنبهر بسهولة….أنا الأن نادرا ما أنبهر, ليس في الدنيا ما هو مثير, أو علي الأقل ما يثيرني كما في السابق, عندما كانت رواية عميقة أوفيلم أو حتي أغنية تترك في نفسي تأثيرا يستمر لأيام وأسابيع. 

لا لم يعد. 

دائما ما أحسد هؤلاء الذين يتلخص معني السعادة عندهم في شقة واسعة, سيارة فارهة و أبناء يتحدثون لغة أجنبية.” المال والبنون زينة الحياة الدنيا؟” لأ…..يا ريت الموضوع بسيط كدة.

 

“المال والنسوان زينة الحياة الدنيا” قرأت هذه الجملة علي لسان ود الريس احدي شخصيات الطيب صالح في رواية “موسم الهجرة إلي الشمال”. في هذه المرحلة التي أعيشها استطيع أن أقول أن زينة الحياة الدنيا تتلخض عندي في النسوان, مش مشكلة المال دلوقتي.

 

الكبت الجنسي يضغظ علي بكل ما أوتي من قوة. لا أجد منه مفر حتي في لحظات الاستمناء الكثيرة. الإستمناء مابقاش بيعمل أي حاجة. مجرد تقضية واجب خالية حتي من مشاعر الاثارة الجنسية المعتادة. خلاص كفاية, أنا تعبت. أقول كفاية وكأن هناك من سيرد قائلا “أه صحيح, فعلا كفاية”…..ولكن هذا الشخص غير موجود, والرب أطرش لايسمعني, أعمي لا يراني, وإن سمع أو رأي فهو عاجز أمام جبروت القيود التي خلقها بداخلي. يعجز برسائله وكلامه وكلام أنبيائه عن إيجاد الحل.

 

أما عن الكبت وهو الأهون في مشاكلي, فالحل باهظ الثمن ولكنه متاح. عاهرة أدفع لها المقابل وأخرج فيها سنين الكبت…..أخسر معركتي مع قيمي وأستسلم لعجزي المهين مع الجنس اللأخر, عجزي الذي اضطرني لدفع المال لأحصل علي حقي الطبيعي في الحياة. حاجة تكسف.

Long time no hash

Ok its been over a week since I last smoked up. Hash is the only drug I currently consume besides drinking alcohol. I have a cold so I can’t really go out and smoke, and I can’t smoke at home either cause mama will kill me, literally.  I would really appreciate a nice fat J right now, but what could I do.

Today I didn’t really do much, woke up at around 1 P.M. cause I stayed up really late last night. I basically hung out in my room all day. Facebook is really boring and it makes feel bad about myself to see where eveyone has reached in life while I’m stalking them online.

I also watched the movie “What happens in Vegas” despite the fact that I saw it before in the theatre. It is a funny movie so I didn’t mind at all. Actually I saw this movie with my ex, it was the time when she compared herself to cameron Diaz . Ashton Kutcher plays the same role he plays in all his other movies (except The butterfly effect maybe), but he plays it well so I m fine with it. Cameron Diaz is incredibly sexy, funny and nice. I know she’s probably not nice in real life, she’s probably rich and snobby, but still I do like her.

I’m having a daylong on/off conversation with Lulu, my best friend, on MSN. He is going through similar feelings of boredom and indifference as myself. Our problems are alike, we have diagnosed them well, but we can’t find a cure/solution. I ll probably post another entry just to describe the problems I’m going through right now.

Today is my father’s birthday. He became 71 years old today, which I don’t feel is too much at all, although I usually consider people above 70 as extremely old, but I don’t see my father this way. The guy still goes to work everyday, He drives his own car and he enjoys travelling, food, meeting people which are definetly not traits of old men, especially here in Egypt.

We ordered in food, grilled meat and chicken, Kabab w Kofta,  which was awesome. Then me and my brother went and bought Daddy a brand new Armani watch as a present for his birthday. We gave it to him and I saw joy in his eyes when he opended it, I felt good that daddy liked it.

I was supposed to go out with a couple of friends, we were probably going to smoke Hash, but I called them and cancelled cause my throats really hurts. We have a friend who works as a police officer, he caught 2.5 kilos of high quality hash, and of course, he got the guys a really big chunk. 15 people have been smoking this “chunk” for over 10 days now and it is still not out yet. I haven’t smoked any of it and wanted to try it today. 

Oh yea, today I took Motival, which is a really mild  antidepressant, it didn’t do anything, I would love to try something stronger.

Till later.