Category Archives: Personal

فراغ, ملل, وأشياء أخري

أشعر بفراغ قاتل. مرة أخري اقف عاجزا أمام حياة لا أدري الهدف منها. لا أدري حتي ماذا أريد. أشعر بالملل ولكن لا شيئ يسليني. لا شيئ علي الإطلاق. أحقد علي المخلوقات التي تجد السعادة في أبسط الاشياء. ياليتني كنت طفلا, إبتسامتي سهلة, صادقة ومستمرة. أنبهر بسهولة….أنا الأن نادرا ما أنبهر, ليس في الدنيا ما هو مثير, أو علي الأقل ما يثيرني كما في السابق, عندما كانت رواية عميقة أوفيلم أو حتي أغنية تترك في نفسي تأثيرا يستمر لأيام وأسابيع. 

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لا لم يعد. 
دائما ما أحسد هؤلاء الذين يتلخص معني السعادة عندهم في شقة واسعة, سيارة فارهة و أبناء يتحدثون لغة أجنبية.” المال والبنون زينة الحياة الدنيا؟” لأ…..يا ريت الموضوع بسيط كدة.
 
“المال والنسوان زينة الحياة الدنيا” قرأت هذه الجملة علي لسان ود الريس احدي شخصيات الطيب صالح في رواية “موسم الهجرة إلي الشمال”. في هذه المرحلة التي أعيشها استطيع أن أقول أن زينة الحياة الدنيا تتلخض عندي في النسوان, مش مشكلة المال دلوقتي.
 
الكبت الجنسي يضغظ علي بكل ما أوتي من قوة. لا أجد منه مفر حتي في لحظات الاستمناء الكثيرة. الإستمناء مابقاش بيعمل أي حاجة. مجرد تقضية واجب خالية حتي من مشاعر الاثارة الجنسية المعتادة. خلاص كفاية, أنا تعبت. أقول كفاية وكأن هناك من سيرد قائلا “أه صحيح, فعلا كفاية”…..ولكن هذا الشخص غير موجود, والرب أطرش لايسمعني, أعمي لا يراني, وإن سمع أو رأي فهو عاجز أمام جبروت القيود التي خلقها بداخلي. يعجز برسائله وكلامه وكلام أنبيائه عن إيجاد الحل.
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أما عن الكبت وهو الأهون في مشاكلي, فالحل باهظ الثمن ولكنه متاح. عاهرة أدفع لها المقابل وأخرج فيها سنين الكبت…..أخسر معركتي مع قيمي وأستسلم لعجزي المهين مع الجنس اللأخر, عجزي الذي اضطرني لدفع المال لأحصل علي حقي الطبيعي في الحياة. حاجة تكسف.
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Long time no hash

Ok its been over a week since I last smoked up. Hash is the only drug I currently consume besides drinking alcohol. I have a cold so I can’t really go out and smoke, and I can’t smoke at home either cause mama will kill me, literally.  I would really appreciate a nice fat J right now, but what could I do.1410_p42582

Today I didn’t really do much, woke up at around 1 P.M. cause I stayed up really late last night. I basically hung out in my room all day. Facebook is really boring and it makes feel bad about myself to see where eveyone has reached in life while I’m stalking them online. 5odc2tmp

I also watched the movie “What happens in Vegas” despite the fact that I saw it before in the theatre. It is a funny movie so I didn’t mind at all. Actually I saw this movie with my ex, it was the time when she compared herself to cameron Diaz . Ashton Kutcher plays the same role he plays in all his other movies (except The butterfly effect maybe), but he plays it well so I m fine with it. Cameron Diaz is incredibly sexy, funny and nice. I know she’s probably not nice in real life, she’s probably rich and snobby, but still I do like her. what_happens_in_vegas_movie_image_ashton_kutcher__cameron_diaz__1_1

I’m having a daylong on/off conversation with Lulu, my best friend, on MSN. He is going through similar feelings of boredom and indifference as myself. Our problems are alike, we have diagnosed them well, but we can’t find a cure/solution. I ll probably post another entry just to describe the problems I’m going through right now.

Today is my father’s birthday. He became 71 years old today, which I don’t feel is too much at all, although I usually consider people above 70 as extremely old, but I don’t see my father this way. The guy still goes to work everyday, He drives his own car and he enjoys travelling, food, meeting people which are definetly not traits of old men, especially here in Egypt.

We ordered in food, grilled meat and chicken, Kabab w Kofta,  which was awesome. Then me and my brother went and bought Daddy a brand new Armani watch as a present for his birthday. We gave it to him and I saw joy in his eyes when he opended it, I felt good that daddy liked it. 1f5e_1

I was supposed to go out with a couple of friends, we were probably going to smoke Hash, but I called them and cancelled cause my throats really hurts. We have a friend who works as a police officer, he caught 2.5 kilos of high quality hash, and of course, he got the guys a really big chunk. 15 people have been smoking this “chunk” for over 10 days now and it is still not out yet. I haven’t smoked any of it and wanted to try it today. 

Oh yea, today I took Motival, which is a really mild  antidepressant, it didn’t do anything, I would love to try something stronger.

Till later.

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This day could not be shittier

Today is Sunday, the beginning of the week here in Egypt started off as any usual day. I woke up, tired after the weekend, I dressed and went to work. I wasn’t expecting much work today as I finished all what I had to do on Thursday cause I like to keep my Sundays as laid back as possible. 

 

So My boss hits me with loads of shit that he wants finished by the end of the day, and I start getting pissed off. I snap at around 4 P.M when I started banging on my desk. I hit my calculator with my fist breaking it then I throw away, exactly like a mad man. I was so pissed off that I didn’t really care that this side of me should’nt come out at work. My pregnant coworker decided to take today off, she called our boss and told him she was sick. Of course he couldn’t say a word because she is pregnant, and him being a decent man can’t really ask a pregnant woman to work! Idiots. So anyways, I called my coworker to ask her about her pc’s password and she tells me that she is not really sick but she didn’t feel like coming to work today. Did I snap at her? Did I tell that she practically screwed me today just because she didn’t fancy to get out of her cute little house? No  I didn’t, I just smiled and told her with all the sincerity in the world that it was OK, I even joked a bit with her so that she won’t feel awkward. How cute am I?

SO, my coworker fucks up my day and I don’t even show the slightest dissatisfaction to her. I just bottle it up inside and take it out on my calculator or on my retreating bottom tooth with my tongue that is close to developing an ulcer from brushing on this retreating tooth. 

Ok I mange to get this shit day out of my way and get home at around 9 P.M. totally exhausted,  so tired I can’t even open my eyes fully. I play nice music on my laptop, some really good stuff by some local bands, I lie down on my bed for a bit. Mama makes some food for me, I get up play an episode of Becker, my second favourite comedy show after Seinfeld of course. I watch and eat perfectly enjoying my time, the perfect thing to do after a day like this. 

I go out in the balcony to smoke a cig……tastes really nice, the weather determines the quality of each cig. If it’s breezy and warm with a buzz of cold, the cigarette gives me the ultimate satisfaction smoke can provide. Anyways, I go inside once more, to check my email and my facebook, that stupid thing I wish it disappears completely.

So I open FB and I find my ex who deleted me from her friends list and who jumped into bed with another dude 2 month after we broke up, I find that she commented on a stupid “25 facts about me”  note that was written by another girl whom I really despise. I also find my best friend commenting abt that note and you know, its a fukin fest and everybody is having a ball and I feel my stomach asking permission to go the wrong way. I was so pissed off I uttered some cuss words such as “Fuck u, u dirty whore” directed at my ex, and “Burn in hell u fat bastard” directed at my best friend and “I will kill u then throw u in the gutters” directed at that girl I despise. This note pisses me off more because that girl I despise is the fakest person I’ve ever seen, along with my ex, she makes a big deal about stupid details of her life like “I like make up” or she “likes green tee” and random stupid shit like that. 

So here I am, its 1 a.m., I’m lying on the bed, with my laptop on my stomach, writing about an extremely shitty day, thinking about waking up at 7 the tomorrow and feeling like shit.

anyways, this was too long and it is not edited at all, I ll edit it later. Salam for now.

Ohh noo

I was never a big fan of skinny girls, I never really got the point behind everyone wanting to lose weight to be sexier. I couldn’t understand the simple equation of skinny = sexy. Its not like I’m more attracted to fat or chubby girls, no, I’ve always loved a girl with a nice figure, the curvier the better, no one can deny. Well, I said I did not see the point of sexy skinniness, but I guess I do now.

My ex-girlfriend was a kind of girl that would not shut up about weight and how she wants and manages to lose weight. She would starve herself for days , surviving only on orange juice and cigarettes. The poor thing thought she would have the body of Cameron Diaz if she lost enough weight!! “I’m tall and I have wide bones, just like her!” she once said to me when we were watching “What happens in Vegas”. My ex had a nice body, but she was no Cameron Diaz, no Cameron Diaz at all.

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So anyhow, what moves me to write a post about that now?!! I was checking facebook and I found this girl I used to  make out with. Well, she is as skinny as they come, with all the right curves everywhere and the innocence mixed with the whorness that evey man admires! 

Holding a girl and feeling her bones at your hands is quite arousing, don’t know why exactly, maybe because you feel completely dominating and poweful….not sure, I have to find another bony girl here in Egypt which is quite a difficult task given our ma7shy loving culture!

A Kramer among us!

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A friend of mine tricked me into believing that he had invitations for the closing ceremony of the Cairo international film festival. I actually believed the guy and started telling people that I may attend the ceremony and how cool it would be to hang out with all the stars and what not. Actually I m amazed that I fell for it, as it is usually me and this kid playing tricks on people and not the other way around. I guess that its hard to always keep the gaurds of your mind attentive. Things have to slip.

This guy is called Miro, and he is insane. Remember Kramer from Seinfeld? This is the Egyptian version of him. He is tall and completely out of this world. We would be laughing at things he does or says while he has no clue about what is funny. He drives without looking at the road, he says things to random people on the street, and he has sex with street prostitutes with whom he is very popular. This guy didn’t drink, but one day he got drunk and he really enjoyed it. So he would call every day wanting to go out and drink, like a new sport. He smokes shisha daily and does whatever random activities one might think of. I remember the first day I met this guy, it was back in 2006 during the world cup, and he had an electrified pen that my other friend was excited about trying it on his ass. Then we were bored so he suggested going tease street prostitutes, but that’s another story.
Anyways, the guy is a wacko, but I totally enjoy hanging out with him.

Blogging

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Recently  blogging has truned every living creature into a writer. Writing crap about shit they do or assholes they meet. I am not assuming I can provide better material than those lame bloggers. But I have always wanted to be a writer since I was in 4th or 5th grade. Currently I work in a bank, very decent, very professional and surprisingly exciting. I haven’t dropped considering going back to being a writer or a journalist, but at this point in time, I’m keeping my life on hold.