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Drive Slow!

Lookin’ at the life through my rearview, all the problems I had
Could be seen alot clearer after time had passed
Known for livin’ so fast, they wonder how he don’t crashti
With 220 on the dash, he constantly mashin’
(Why don’t he slow down?) They be constantly askin’
But me in the fast lane is like metal and magnets
Now I ain’t tryna say that it’s the way of the masses
But it, so hard to change, I love this shit with a passion
Since me and Sigel cuttin’ classes, showin’ our ass
Shootin’ out in broad day in the middle of traffic
I remember sellin’ crack faster than I could bag it
A shame I ain’t playin’ with you shorty, I ain’t braggin’
Me and Cap got life, some other folk got blasted
Had a partner OD’d and after this all happened
It’s like the only thing that kept a pimp from cryin’ and laughin’
And the Lord smiled on me at the end of the madness
I never thought that I’d make it this far rappin’
For introducin’ the youth to what we now call trappin’
Considered now a classic, who’da imagined?
Me in Milano, gettin’ models in next year’s fashions
So nowadays, they can call me old fashioned
But it’s way too much cash to see blue lights flashin’
So I guess the moral of this here class is
Life about who make it now not about who make it the fastest

T.I.—-Drive Slow

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Nostalgia

I find myself nostalgic when I see her in an old picture from the party I was first introduced to her, and I find my eyes tearing looking at pictures of her engagement on Facebook. It is not like I still care for her, or even have the slightest shred of feeling left for her, no that is not the case. 

I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself that I cared for her once, or for being so stupid not to realize what was my relationship with her all about. How could I be such a terrible judge of character? 

From what I hear from common friends, she’s a completely different person now, she’s playing the good Muslim girl role, she even told  a girl in our group that she was never kissed a guy, not to mentione being touched in any “haram” way by a guy! Well, those are big fat lies and the lips she uses for talking lips are witnesses to her lies!

Anyways, what is funny is that at around this time last year, she had broken up with me for that first time, I was going to Alexandria for easter holiday. I spent some nice time fishing and what not, but she wanted to come back, and I was prepared to get over her and move on. I tried to gain some points with that, stalled and played hardball like—I thought It would hurt to take her back as long as I don’t have other options, so I did. I can’t say that was a completely wrong decsion, I mean, I did have some awesome times with her afterwards, and it was worth it.

Boredom

Bordem, bordem and more boredom. Now that I m trying to be an athelete, I can’t smoke ciggerettes nor hash. It is weird how much does a man in this day n age needs smoke. You inhale it, you feel you’re inhaling the world, you exhale it, you feel your letting all your problems & complications out. Well, its not exactly as spritiual, but it definelty helps.

I am…..

I am 22 years old, haven’t achieved anything I could be proud of, “yet”. I am skinny, I am self conscious. I am moody, generally hating my life & life in general. I can’t stand most people but prefer being around them. I do not know what I want and am not trying very hard to figure it out. I want to do a master in Economics, just because I have an opportunity to do it for free. 

My body weakens as my mind gets stronger. I could survive more than most people without food. I take pride in being smart, yet I am not as confident in my intelligence. It is a shame, I can perform but can’t present my performance properly.

I am 22 years old and the past 8 have been the worse. For the past 4 years I have been walking roads I don’t want to walk, yet, I do not know which roads I want to walk. 

I am confused, my best answer is “I don’t know” followed by “lets wait & think” and “whatever”. 

However, I have decided to do something….I am committed to changing my appearance. I am taking up the great sport of River Rowing. Practice starts at 6 a.m. everyday, I plan to do it before work which starts at 9:00. I know I’d be killing my social life and I know it would be a complete torture for the first couple of weeks. I know. I am debating the issue in my mind, and frankly, I am chickening/lazying and leaning towards not doing it. 

But, hell, I’m gonna do it. I just have to. I know that if I don’t, I’m gonna spend the rest of my life regretting it & wondering, what if i did it?

I am gonna do it. Tomorow I ll get a doctor’s note that my heart is in a condition that enables me to play sports. And I’m gonna try it out. 

Athletic people in general and Coaches in particular irritate/scare me. I don’t know why, but it has always been like that. I guess it is because I never really felt confident in my physical abilities. Is this going to change, I hope so. It all depends on the training environment it is going to be. I hope it is not too intimidating.

Anyways, I am who I am, and fuck u small chickens.

فراغ, ملل, وأشياء أخري

أشعر بفراغ قاتل. مرة أخري اقف عاجزا أمام حياة لا أدري الهدف منها. لا أدري حتي ماذا أريد. أشعر بالملل ولكن لا شيئ يسليني. لا شيئ علي الإطلاق. أحقد علي المخلوقات التي تجد السعادة في أبسط الاشياء. ياليتني كنت طفلا, إبتسامتي سهلة, صادقة ومستمرة. أنبهر بسهولة….أنا الأن نادرا ما أنبهر, ليس في الدنيا ما هو مثير, أو علي الأقل ما يثيرني كما في السابق, عندما كانت رواية عميقة أوفيلم أو حتي أغنية تترك في نفسي تأثيرا يستمر لأيام وأسابيع. 

apathy1

لا لم يعد. 
دائما ما أحسد هؤلاء الذين يتلخص معني السعادة عندهم في شقة واسعة, سيارة فارهة و أبناء يتحدثون لغة أجنبية.” المال والبنون زينة الحياة الدنيا؟” لأ…..يا ريت الموضوع بسيط كدة.
 
“المال والنسوان زينة الحياة الدنيا” قرأت هذه الجملة علي لسان ود الريس احدي شخصيات الطيب صالح في رواية “موسم الهجرة إلي الشمال”. في هذه المرحلة التي أعيشها استطيع أن أقول أن زينة الحياة الدنيا تتلخض عندي في النسوان, مش مشكلة المال دلوقتي.
 
الكبت الجنسي يضغظ علي بكل ما أوتي من قوة. لا أجد منه مفر حتي في لحظات الاستمناء الكثيرة. الإستمناء مابقاش بيعمل أي حاجة. مجرد تقضية واجب خالية حتي من مشاعر الاثارة الجنسية المعتادة. خلاص كفاية, أنا تعبت. أقول كفاية وكأن هناك من سيرد قائلا “أه صحيح, فعلا كفاية”…..ولكن هذا الشخص غير موجود, والرب أطرش لايسمعني, أعمي لا يراني, وإن سمع أو رأي فهو عاجز أمام جبروت القيود التي خلقها بداخلي. يعجز برسائله وكلامه وكلام أنبيائه عن إيجاد الحل.
 billed141
أما عن الكبت وهو الأهون في مشاكلي, فالحل باهظ الثمن ولكنه متاح. عاهرة أدفع لها المقابل وأخرج فيها سنين الكبت…..أخسر معركتي مع قيمي وأستسلم لعجزي المهين مع الجنس اللأخر, عجزي الذي اضطرني لدفع المال لأحصل علي حقي الطبيعي في الحياة. حاجة تكسف.

This day could not be shittier

Today is Sunday, the beginning of the week here in Egypt started off as any usual day. I woke up, tired after the weekend, I dressed and went to work. I wasn’t expecting much work today as I finished all what I had to do on Thursday cause I like to keep my Sundays as laid back as possible. 

 

So My boss hits me with loads of shit that he wants finished by the end of the day, and I start getting pissed off. I snap at around 4 P.M when I started banging on my desk. I hit my calculator with my fist breaking it then I throw away, exactly like a mad man. I was so pissed off that I didn’t really care that this side of me should’nt come out at work. My pregnant coworker decided to take today off, she called our boss and told him she was sick. Of course he couldn’t say a word because she is pregnant, and him being a decent man can’t really ask a pregnant woman to work! Idiots. So anyways, I called my coworker to ask her about her pc’s password and she tells me that she is not really sick but she didn’t feel like coming to work today. Did I snap at her? Did I tell that she practically screwed me today just because she didn’t fancy to get out of her cute little house? No  I didn’t, I just smiled and told her with all the sincerity in the world that it was OK, I even joked a bit with her so that she won’t feel awkward. How cute am I?

SO, my coworker fucks up my day and I don’t even show the slightest dissatisfaction to her. I just bottle it up inside and take it out on my calculator or on my retreating bottom tooth with my tongue that is close to developing an ulcer from brushing on this retreating tooth. 

Ok I mange to get this shit day out of my way and get home at around 9 P.M. totally exhausted,  so tired I can’t even open my eyes fully. I play nice music on my laptop, some really good stuff by some local bands, I lie down on my bed for a bit. Mama makes some food for me, I get up play an episode of Becker, my second favourite comedy show after Seinfeld of course. I watch and eat perfectly enjoying my time, the perfect thing to do after a day like this. 

I go out in the balcony to smoke a cig……tastes really nice, the weather determines the quality of each cig. If it’s breezy and warm with a buzz of cold, the cigarette gives me the ultimate satisfaction smoke can provide. Anyways, I go inside once more, to check my email and my facebook, that stupid thing I wish it disappears completely.

So I open FB and I find my ex who deleted me from her friends list and who jumped into bed with another dude 2 month after we broke up, I find that she commented on a stupid “25 facts about me”  note that was written by another girl whom I really despise. I also find my best friend commenting abt that note and you know, its a fukin fest and everybody is having a ball and I feel my stomach asking permission to go the wrong way. I was so pissed off I uttered some cuss words such as “Fuck u, u dirty whore” directed at my ex, and “Burn in hell u fat bastard” directed at my best friend and “I will kill u then throw u in the gutters” directed at that girl I despise. This note pisses me off more because that girl I despise is the fakest person I’ve ever seen, along with my ex, she makes a big deal about stupid details of her life like “I like make up” or she “likes green tee” and random stupid shit like that. 

So here I am, its 1 a.m., I’m lying on the bed, with my laptop on my stomach, writing about an extremely shitty day, thinking about waking up at 7 the tomorrow and feeling like shit.

anyways, this was too long and it is not edited at all, I ll edit it later. Salam for now.

Only in the Middle East

You go into a war, 1300 of your people die, 5000 are wounded, 22,000 buildings are destroyed, you incurr losses of almost $2 billion, you manage to  kill 13 of the enemy’s soldiers and YOU CLAIM VICTORY!!

I think the leaders of Hamas should be publicly tortured— then executed.